How to Resolve Conflict Effectively

Every relationship has conflict.  You simply can’t put two human beings together for an extended period of time, let alone several years,  and never have any conflict develop.  Unfortunately, many couples simply don’t know how to handle conflict and resolve it effectively when it does occur.  Without those skills, your relationship is going to continue being a struggle for both of you.

Unresolved conflict is like a cut on your finger that becomes infected.  Even if it starts out very small, it can quickly become very painful and cause a lot of distress. Cleaning out the wound may be painful initially, but it is necessary if the wound is ever going to heal. 

Unresolved conflict is very destructive and may ultimately destroy your relationship.  But if you learn to make a few changes in your approach, you will resolve conflict in your relationship much more quickly and smoothly.

Keep in mind that if you are fighting, you must fight fair.  Fighting dirty is akin to sucker punching your partner.  It’s going to make him angry and he may retaliate (or withdraw) in response.  If it’s difficult for the two of you to talk without it escalating to a fight, set some ground rules to which you both must agree.  Then stick to them!  It won’t be easy, but it will make a world of difference in your relationship!

Here are some guidelines to help you (some have been mentioned previously, but they are worth repeating):

• Stay calm.  ALWAYS.  This is not going to be easy but is one of the most important things you can do when trying to resolve a conflict that is plaguing your relationship.  When your partner is hurtful or angry, if you stay calm, you may disarm him and he will be more likely to retreat.  It will also help keep your conversation from escalating (because it takes two for that to happen!).

• Really listen to what your partner is saying, as well as what he is communicating non-verbally as well.  If he is particularly angry, chances are he just really wants you to hear him.  If you haven’t done that in the past, now is the time to start.  Let him finish before you respond.

Truly listening is a way of showing both courtesy and respect.  You may have been impatient to respond or defensive and reactive – waiting to jump in edgewise rather than really paying attention.

• Never interrupt or attempt to talk over your partner.  I know I’ve said this before a couple of times, but I can’t stress it enough.  This is a great way to infuriate him, as it is very disrespectful and clearly conveys the message you think your words are more important than his.  Also, it is very rude behavior. 

• Don’t dredge up past hurts or wrongs.  Leave the past in the past.  Bringing it up  again is never productive and will only widen the rift between you.  It also gives the impression that you are keeping score.  And it will almost inevitably put your partner on the defensive.

• Work out your conflicts in private.  When you confront your partner or try to discuss relationship matters, doing it when others are around will not only be very uncomfortable, it may make your partner feel like you've set him up.  Give both your partner and others the courtesy of keeping these matters between the two of you. 

• Don’t engage in childish fighting.  Name calling, bullying, or pulling in friends to take your side, for example, are behaviors that at best belong on a grade school playground, not in an adult relationship. 

• Take ownership of your role in the conflict.  Blaming everything on your partner will get you nowhere (except perhaps alone). 

• Don’t take the stance that your partner is wrong and you are right.  Being right is highly overrated, and the need to always be right will make you a very undesirable relationship partner.  Strive for understanding, mutual resolution, and kindness instead. 

• Always try to find the grain of truth (even if seems very tiny) in anything your partner says.  He most likely is not totally to blame, and therefore probably has some valid points. Listen for them and acknowledge your agreement. 

• Don’t use extreme words such as “always” or “never” to describe any of your partner’s behaviors.  Not only are these highly unlikely to be true, they will tap into your partner’s desire to stop opening up. 

It takes two to tango and you both need to take ownership of your part in the conflict. 

If you are serious about saving your marriage, you may want to discuss these guidelines with your partner and ask him if he agrees that they are reasonable.  If he does, ask him if he will commit to following them whenever you have a potentially heated conversation.    

Stop The Blame Game

Some people avoid responsibility for their actions by blaming other people, things or events for their problems.  This is fairly juvenile behavior, but is too common.  Blaming others for our foul-ups never solves anything.  It only causes denial and creates more problems.

Playing the blame game is a characteristic of mentally unbalanced people.  In shrink-speak this is called “projection of blame.”  The idea is that a disturbed person is avoiding the pain of their actions by transferring the blame to someone else.

Any intimate relationship will suffer if one of the partners plays the blame game.  Often the blame will be transferred to the partner rather than a third party.  No one wins in this game, so don’t do it yourself and counsel your partner against it if they try it.

Accept the ownership of your flaws, mistakes and shortcomings.  You may get a dressing-down from your partner, but admitting mistakes shouldn't damage your relationship. 

If your partner plays the blame game with you, the first thing you should do is avoid getting angry.  Then ask why they are blaming you for something they did.  The matter can be settled easily when the blamer accepts the responsibility for their actions.

The 7 secrets

The seven secrets of great relationships aren’t earth-shattering, but they are powerful. While they may seem simple and intuitive, many couples don’t realize their importance and take them for granted. Other couples may fail to put them into action because living up to them can be difficult at times.

Even when the going gets tough in a relationship, the seven secrets can set things straight. When both partners work together to uphold these lessons, they have the power to create an enduring and unbreakable bond.

If your partner doesn’t seem receptive to working out your problems, the seven secrets can still be applied to your own life. Do your part to put them into action, and their power may have a positive effect on your partner. Even if things do not turn out as you planned, the secrets can still guide you in future relationships, increasing your chances of developing that “once in a lifetime” love.

Now, let’s take a look at the seven secrets!

Honesty

Respect

One of the key aspects of any good relationship—romance, friendship, or even co-workers—is respect. When people respect one other, potentially damaging issues are simply not blown out of proportion.

Love

Love is perhaps the hardest emotion to define, but it is absolutely essential to healthy, happy, and fulfilling relationships. To achieve a truly enriching relationship, you and your partner must share genuine love for one other and work to keep its flames burning.

Passion

Passion isn’t something that ignites when a relationship is young and then fizzles out over time. Great couples who have forged happy, healthy, and fulfilling relationships know the importance of keeping the flame burning year in and year out.

Communication

Good communication goes beyond honesty and respect. It is an open line between two people who genuinely want to share thoughts, feelings, and ideas. It also involves working together to turn good ideas into great ones.

Friendship

Understanding

Men and women are only human, which is why understanding is a very important secret in good relationships. We all make mistakes, even when it comes to the person we care most about. Solid, healthy relationships have strong foundations that can withstand the occasional blunder.